I think I broke my brain

Seriously. I think it's broken. Now, I'm not just being melodramatic here, I have actual legit reasons for coming to this conclusion. The first is that I've had a headache every day for the last 12 days and that can't be a good sign. It's certainly not a pleasant one, at any rate. The second is that I just spent the last 2 days trying to teach myself how to use some computer program that I've barely ever heard of before, let alone used, with nothing but online how to's and my inherent genius.

Needless to say, the combo of wikiversity and me is not one that will change the world as we know it. Here's the thing...I'm not actually stupid. In fact, I used to think I was pretty intelligent, and not just in a I read-a-lot-of-books-have-a-high-IQ-and-use-lots-of-extraneous-big-words kind of way. I thought I was a pretty well rounded smarty pants is what I'm trying to say. Turns out, not so much. A computer program broke my brain.

And so I offer a one time only KUDOS to all the super nerdy tech guys (and girls) who can understand all that needless garbage. Apparently it's not so needless when you're trying to get a job and people want you know how to use that crap.

That being said, I still hate the computer in general (probably more so now than before) and if I didn't need to have one to function effectively in today's society I totally wouldn't have one.

But let's bring this lovely ramble back around full circle. I really think I broke my brain and if I don't get this freakin job (for which I was trying to teach myself the aforementioned program) I really am going to have to go grad school cause my broken brain isn't fit for anything that might be practical or useful in the immediate future.

What's on your mind?

Facebook keeps asking me what's on my mind and looking at that question every time I decide to check what people are up to is starting to drive me a little crazy. But since I'm sure all 5 people who actually read this may be wondering the same thing I will now attempt to answer this not-so-easy-to-answer question.

On my mind is a constant list of worries and concerns about my life, my future, what i'm supposed to do, etc. This is mostly the reason for blog silence. The handful of people that actually read this thing are the ones who are always listening to all my B.S. over the phone, and I simply HATE to be redundant.

HOWEVER...

There have been some highlights recently and it would be ungrateful and assy of me not to point them out. So, here is a short list, in no particular order, of the top 10 "little things" that made me super happy in the recent past.

#10. The sheer joy of wearing a hoodie in August.

#9. The Sight of trees so big it feels like you could get to Middle Earth or Narnia through them.

#8. An overcast sky and a large body of water.

#7. Free tours and RIDICULOUS amounts of jelly beans.

#6. A couple days on the road with them.

#5. The fact that gravity is good for back problems.

#4. Going places Adam Richmond has been.

#3. Seeing long lost friends (even when it's past midnight and you both look super rough).

#2. Happy meals.

#1. The rising generation.

And that ladies and gents is only a small portion of the list of things that I'm basically clinging to for dear life to get me through til the "big stuff" in my life starts working out.

I knew I'd be bad at this

I did. I knew it. Blogging, journaling, faithfully keeping ANY kind of record of myself, my thoughts, my life, or my experiences is not something I have ever been terribly good at. I always feel like it isn't worth writing if I don't have something of significance to write about. And as most of you are aware, there is not too much actually happening in my life, hence no blog posts.

There is also a laziness factor because last week or the week before I actually had a really great blog post all written in my head but I kept not actually writing it and then the ship kind of just sailed. I will say that it was quite a good story which most definitely involved me scaling a 6 foot fence in flip flops and a towel(there was also a bathing suit, you pervs), and the towel may or may have gotten caught on the fence and been ripped off on the way down. Other than that there really isn't a whole helluva lot going on.

But can I just quickly point out how much I hate it when people are lacking in common courtesy? For instance, say a person is trying to sell a car and you express interest in said car. And let's say that first person promptly a politely replies to your inquiries and answers any and all questions you might have at which point you say you need to think about it and will get back to them. Is it me or is it just tacky to leave somebody waiting for a reply? Seriously, what is so difficult about making a phone call or writing an email that says "Thanks, but no thanks" or "I decided to go with something else" or even "Hell no, I don't want your car"?

As you may have guessed I am the seller in this scenario and this has happened more than once. However, this is about a bigger issue than just my car selling frustrations. This is about all the stupid people who get my hopes all up and then flake out. Really you guys what is so difficult about calling when you say you're going to call or whatever your preferred method of contact may be? Now, I'm not trying to point any fingers here (partially because I don't have enough fingers to point at every guy in the world or every annoyingly flaky girl) but really, just do what you say you're going to do. This is a serious problem in the world. If you can't do something, don't say you can. If you can but you just don't want to then don't say you will. This really is not a difficult concept to grasp.

Bottom line...say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Also, somebody please buy my car cause I can't afford the gas anymore and I really have my heart set on a new one now. That is all.

Someday. Bloody, Someday.

I’ve had something on my mind for the last few days and I feel like I need to type it out.

So here I go on the subject of “Someday”…

“Someday” can be a truly problematic thing. On one hand, “someday” is one of the things that make life worth living; it is the place where our hopes and our dreams grow and live and thrive. It can help see us through the hard days and be a light shining in the darkness of doubt and disappointment. But on the other hand, when “someday” becomes more important than today, and all our focus is on what can happen and what we wish will happen, often we rob ourselves of experiencing the here and now. And ok, fine, I’m perfectly willing to admit that the here and now is not always something we really want to be experiencing. Sometimes the present doesn’t really seem so much like a gift, but if we aren’t willing to examine every today how can we make tomorrow any better? The hard truth is that unless we make it happen “someday” will never arrive. We’ll spend our lives stuck in an endless stream of today’s that we keep trying to look pass and not experience.

To not look forward to things is to live without hope, and without hope it isn’t really living. But the present is vital as well. So what do we do?

To be perfectly honest, the whole thing is making my brain hurt. Everything is so abstract and how do you wrap your head around balancing hope with practicality and dreaming about things as opposed to accepting the reality in front of you?

I guess it’s all about finding balance. It’s about looking forward while still looking around and trying to make right now the best it can be. And above all we have to do the work now to make someday possible. Not all the things we want can happen right now or even in the immediate future, but there is always something we can be doing right now to help make those things possible.

I’m starting to feel a little motivational speaker-ish right now—like I should be living in a van down by the river and hiking my pants up a lot. I’m aware that this isn’t the most coherent post know to man and “typing it out” may have just irritated me more, but at least you guys are all confused and irritated with me.

Once Upon a Long Ago and in a Somewhere Far, Far, Far Away

There are these phrases that we grow up hearing, about distant times and lands where the world is simple and good conquers evil and it’s only a matter of time before our lives are all “Happily Ever After”. And, you guys, I swear I believed it. I did. There was a place and time, long ago and far away, when me and Sleeping Beauty were going to have it all. She had her awesome, handsome, waltz-her-around-by-a-lake-in-an-enchanted-forest-while-crooning-in-a-smooth-tenor style prince. And I was going to have an equally wonderful modern equivalent with equally awesome hair that would at very least sing to me from the shower. In the mean time, life was supposed to be simple and just somehow work out until he showed up.*

Unfortunately, time seems to have put a small hitch in my giddy-up. Somewhere along the way, when I wasn’t looking, simplicity seems to have jumped right out the window (along with my propensity to have crushes on cartoons).

So I guess the real question is…

When did it all get so complicated? And when I say all, I really mean all-- as in all facets of life, the universe, and everything. Nothing is easy anymore and every decision will somehow manage to affect the rest of my life (or at very least the next 5 years). Even something as innocuous as going out for a cheeseburger now has these huge ramifications on my life and my sanity. That seems like a crazy exaggeration, I’m aware, and yet I really did spend a number of hours yesterday trying to decide if going for a cheeseburger was a good idea or not. Seriously, texts were sent, phone calls were made, no less than three of my most trusted advisors consulted, all to decide if I should go eat cheeseburgers with…wait for it…a boy.

Yes, friends, there it is. The source of all conflict and drama-- boys. That is what brings on this little musing of mine. When did things get so complicated that I can no longer just go eat a burger with a guy who is just my friend? When did I stop being able to have guys just be my friends? (I have a suspicion it was sometime in middle school, but there is no way to really confirm or refute it.) This is a decent guy. He is nice; he’s funny, easy to be around, decently easy on the eyes, and seemingly not scared of me. So why should we not go out for burgers? It is for the exact reasons listed above. He’s all of these great things, which means that if we spend enough time together I will end up digging him. And since I am reasonably certain (based on previous conversations) that he has no interest in dating me, me digging him is just not optimal. Now I’m left with the choice between being friends with him and inevitably liking him then finding myself feeling rejected when he doesn’t like me back or just bagging it and saving myself the trouble. The latter of which wouldn’t be such a terrible option if I actually had an active social life in the state in which I reside, but sadly, I do not.

In short, life outside the enchanted forest and sans the three good fairies is a little messier than I would like (plus there is no one to turn people into fat ‘ole hop toads if I need them to), but we press on nonetheless. Maybe it’s better that things aren’t so cut and dry anymore or maybe all the uncertainty and confusion will make it all the sweeter and more satisfying down the road when at least some things work themselves out. But for right now I just want to eat my cheeseburger in peace.

*BTW I’m totally aware that the statement I just made about waiting for a guy to show up is completely anti-feminist, and open to a world of criticism about how girls are indoctrinated with the notion that life isn’t complete without a man, etc, etc, etc. and I kind of want to smack myself for even typing it. But that is another post entirely.

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Here goes nothin

Alright, here I go, buckling under peer pressure. I am finally starting a blog. Those of you who have been applying the peer pressure know who you are and are now entirely to blame for anything and everything I decide to ramble about online. I've yet to decide if I'm going to make this blog private or not (partially because I don't know how to work this thing yet and am not exactly sure how I would accomplish such a thing) but as of now it's not. Since that is the case here are a few words of explanation as to the purpose of this business. A little getting to know you time, if you will.

Mostly the reason for this blog is that I'm hoping it will help me to write more consistently because I haven't been in the most creative place lately and it's more of a giant concrete perimeter wall bordered by barbed wire and patrolled by viscous attack dogs than a block that is currently hedging up my way. So I will write in hopes of tearing down some of that mess.

I'm not really sure what this will end up being. I won't promise that it will always be entertaining (though I do find myself rather amusing). I also can't guarantee that I won't sometimes drift into the realm of the melancholy (cause I do tend to be a little glass half empty). All I can say is that it will always be honest-- good, bad, or indifferent it will be the truth. At least the truth as far as I see it.

So there it is, I guess. As far as opening posts of blogs go I'm not sure how this rates: frankly it's not feeling all that original or inspired but hey, they can't all be winners, right?